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Part 4 - Disorganized Attachment
Link to Part 1 - https://youtu.be/XP9GVPwYUQ8 Also, please check out NF's music - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCoRR6OLuIZ2-5VxtnQIaN2w Or visit his website - https://www.nfrealmusic.com/ Overall, this final style makes up a relatively small percentage of people. And tragically, it is characterized by a negative view of self and others. On the bell curve, they would represent the bottom edges of both sides. Meaning, they feel stuck without a safe base to return to and an inability to trust others as well. In many ways, they combine the most negative aspects of the avoidant and the anxious.
Part 3 - Anxious Attachment
Link to Intro video: https://youtu.be/XP9GVPwYUQ8 If you've caught glimpses of yourself in this description, then here are some ways to bring balance and integration within yourself. Explore some ways of self-care that allows you to develop an identity that isn't wholly dependent on others. That might mean developing a hobby, focus, passion, skill that provides an avenue of self-expression. Cultivate solitude. Make a list of nouns or adjectives that describe you, "I am…" Then imagine what you'd want that list to say and pursue those values. Again, this will feel risky but learning ways to be alone with yourself so that you not only develop a better sense of self, but one that taps into the dignity of who you are. Remember, someone else's silence or need to be alone is not a rejection of you. Your desire for more isn't wrong, but the way you've been trying to get it needs to be re-examined.
Part 2 - Avoidant Attachment
Link to Intro video: https://youtu.be/XP9GVPwYUQ8 If you're watching this video and you identify with these characteristics, then there are ways that you can seek to move more towards a secure attachment with others. How can you do that? The first step will be to make intentional choices to open up to safe people through vulnerability. Obviously, not everyone is safe, so some discretion is necessary. But extending trust is what creates intimacy, not the other way around. It may feel like you’re losing preciously guarded control, so at some point, you will need to risk! That's the exploring. Try letting other people into your rich internal world. Take down the mask of self-reliance, give voice to and share your concerns, hopes, fears, dreams, and disappointments. Think of ways to verbalize encouragement or gratitude to others. This will take you into uncomfortable, relational territory. So take note of the ways that you escape or checkout. Think of ways that you can let someone else be there for you. It's worth the risk. Again, it's good to remember that this is a spectrum, so you may notice certain relational styles to some degree or another but they may not be inhibiting how you connect in all relationships. The bell curve might also serve as a metaphor to the hill it will feel like you're climbing as you make efforts to go against the default responses that you've cultivated over a lifetime. Remember, attachment styles are not personality types like extroversion or thinkers/feelers. Though, it may be the undercurrent that drives your personality to a particular imbalance. So when you recognize your defenses going up or deep urges one way or another in relationships, it's okay! Be glad that you're even aware and let that be an opportunity to start making choices for how you'd like to grow in understanding yourself and others. The desire for connection and attunement with others is a good thing! It's our bad strategies that give us disordered desires.
Part 1 - Attachment Theory - Secure
Attachment theory describes the way we interact with others throughout our lives. It's in taking an honest look at our relational patterns that we can begin taking appropriate steps toward living in the grace of a secure attachment style. The desire for connection and attunement with others is a good thing! It's our bad strategies that give us disordered desires.
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